There isn’t a person in Australia who hasn’t been affected by AOD. Statistics show that the death rate due to drug overdose is six Australians per day. Even if you haven’t been directly impacted, you know someone who has.
This blog is for anyone with a loved one or family member who is or has been addicted to AOD. Loving someone without AOD is hard enough, but loving someone with AOD can feel impossible. At times, they let us down, treat us poorly, use us for money or other things—painful behaviours that hurt us deeply. Yet, of course, it’s not all bad; they can still be caring, loving, and wonderful people.
If you’re anything like me, when these good behaviours appear, you can’t help but think they’ll “screw you over” soon enough. This thought process can overshadow the good times, as you worry about the future. If you relate to this, know that you aren’t alone. This blog will hopefully help as I share what worked for me, along with some clinically proven techniques.
The Most Important Lesson I’ve Ever Learned
When we’re constantly on edge about our loved one’s behaviour, we can start to dislike them as a person, feeling like they bring too much trauma into our lives. This can make even a phone call with them feel overwhelming. It’s a massive challenge for both the heart and mind, especially if this person is a close family member. As humans, we need connections with our family, and when that feels impossible, it hurts deeply.
For my example, I’m going to use my mum. I have her permission to do so, although some details have been changed.
I started to feel anger and even hate towards my mum. Every time we spoke, I got upset, even if it was a “good” phone call. Eventually, I reached a point where I didn’t want to see her or have any contact at all. For about two years, we had no contact because I was tired of being hurt by her behaviour.
During those two years, I attended various therapies to work on my trauma. I also started practising Buddhism, and one day my teacher said a sentence that changed my life forever:
“You can love the person and hate their behaviour.”
Now, I want you to think about your loved one and say that to yourself. This doesn’t mean forgetting the hurtful things they’ve done or that everything will go back to a loving family relationship.
For me, that one line made an incredible impact. It changed my entire mindset about my mum. Instead of feeling, “I hate her for everything she’s done to me,” I started feeling, “I love her because she’s my mother, and I know she tried her best. But I absolutely hate her behaviour.” Her behaviour wasn’t “her”—it was shaped by drugs and alcohol, and that’s what I resented.
The effect on my mental health was huge. Once I processed and truly believed this, I was able to reconnect with my mum slowly, on my terms and with clear boundaries. For me, this meant that if I suspected or knew she was under the influence, I wouldn’t interact with her. This approach worked for us, allowing us to regrow a relationship. Don’t get me wrong—the past trauma is still painful. Nothing can undo those feelings, but adopting this mindset changed how I felt. It empowered me to control my own feelings and reactions.
Another Key Technique: Boundaries
Boundaries are essential, especially in complex relationships like these. When dealing with someone struggling with addiction, they can often make you feel used or disrespected, as we mentioned above. The best way to handle this is by setting boundaries—and sticking to them!
Boundaries can be simple or complex, depending on your needs and the relationship you want to build. I suggest keeping them simple, so both parties can easily understand and follow them. One boundary I’ve used and often advise is to never give them money. If they ask for money for “food, fuel, rent”—you and I both know it’s likely going towards something else. Instead, I recommend giving them a gift card so the money has to go towards what they asked for. Initially, these are tough conversations, but in the long run, this approach works better for everyone involved.
One Last Tip: Guilt-Tripping Doesn’t Work
Unfortunately, guilt-tripping often leads to relationship breakdowns and even more substance use. If you want to support your loved one, be there to have the hard conversations, and offer support when they’re ready to receive it. Simply being an ear for someone can be more helpful than constantly urging them to quit.
It’s tough, I know, because all we want is for them to get better. But, unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way.
Written By Joe Horvat Joe's Talks
Support Services
Below is a list of support services to help you and your loved ones if needed. As always, talk to your GP for more personalised support.
Adis 24/7 Alcohol and Drug SupportAdis offers confidential, round-the-clock support for Queensland residents concerned about alcohol and other drug use. Services include counselling, information, and advice for individuals and their loved ones. Experienced counsellors are available to discuss concerns and provide guidance on next steps.• Phone: 1800 177 833• Website: Adis 24/7 Alcohol and Drug Support
Family Drug Support (FDS)FDS is a non-religious organisation providing non-judgemental support and information to families and friends of individuals using alcohol and other drugs. They offer a 24/7 telephone support line, open support group meetings, and educational sessions covering drug and alcohol-related topics.• Phone: 1300 368 186• Website: Family Drug Support
Lives Lived WellLives Lived Well provides a range of counselling and recovery services across Queensland, New South Wales, and Adelaide for those facing challenges with alcohol, drugs, or mental health. They offer support tailored to individual needs, including counselling, residential rehabilitation, and family support services.• Phone: 1300 727 957• Website: Lives Lived Well
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