When a baby is born, their heart is pure and unafraid. A baby cries, and they receive everything they need: love, food, a fresh nappy, a warm place to sleep. In that early world, they believe nothing can go wrong. But one day, as you cry out in hunger and frustration – hangry – your parents don’t respond. They’re distracted, maybe drunk, and you cry for hours before finally being fed.
Your heart hurts a little, but you think it’s a one-off. Surely, next time, they’ll be there for you. But it happens again, and again, and each time, your heart starts to build a tiny wall to protect itself.
Now you’re 5 years old. It’s just you and your mum – your dad left one day and never came back. You keep asking, “Where is Daddy?” but all your mum says is, “He’s gone now and doesn’t love us.” Her drinking worsens, and she doesn’t come when you need food, comfort, or a simple hug. Each time, another part of the wall goes up.
By the time you’re 15, your life is a battlefield. Your mum’s in another abusive relationship, and your basic needs still aren’t met. You’re fighting with your mum and her partner, skipping school, and no one understands what’s “wrong” with you. They just see the behaviour and put you down.
Let’s pause here and look at what’s happening to you.
Facing Trauma and Building Walls
By 15, you’ve experienced things that have deeply impacted your once-pure heart – traumas that have forced you to put up walls to shield yourself. These walls have shaped how you respond to people and situations. One wall might make you snap and start a fight when someone looks at you wrong; another might make you turn to self-harm because physical pain is easier to deal with than emotional pain. And each part of the wall makes it harder to feel like other people your age.
Moving Forward: Finding Connection and Support
Now let’s fast-forward to age 20. Life hasn’t gotten easier. You’re living alone, struggling with alcoholism like your mum, and having trouble keeping a job. You feel isolated, your emotions are raw, and you’ve even been in trouble with the law.
But then something changes. You get a job as a carpenter, and one of the older workers, Jack, befriends you. Jack’s a good guy, five years older, and he’s overcome some struggles of his own. Over time, you open up to him about your childhood, your heart heavy with the pain of it all. But each time you talk with Jack, that heaviness eases just a bit. Jack suggests you talk to a professional.
You take his advice, and six months later, your life begins to change. You’re keeping your job, building healthier relationships, and learning to manage your emotions.
So, what happened? Through someone’s support and belief, you began to let down the wall around your heart little by little.
If your heart hurts while reading this story, that’s because it’s natural to feel real pain when experiencing someone else’s emotional distress. I wrote this in a way so you could feel some of the pain that the “you” in this story felt – the pain of building up walls to protect a fragile heart. Remember, a child’s heart starts pure, but as they face life’s difficulties, it adapts and shields itself. The more trauma, the higher and stronger the wall.
I’m sharing this because you have the power to be someone’s Jack – a steady source of support when they need it most. When we see someone acting out, it’s easy to judge their behaviour as simply “bad” without asking what lies beneath it. Are they missing something from their pure heart, like food, shelter, or a sense of love and security?
To be that source of support and care, you don’t need a degree or special skills – just empathy and a willingness to listen without judgment. Simply by asking what’s missing in their life, you can make a world of difference. While you may not be able to fix everything alone, you can be the person they turn to in a difficult time. You can walk step by step with them as they seek and access the professional support they need.
As the saying goes, “It takes a village to raise a child,” and the same goes for helping someone who’s experienced hardship. A community of caring people can help a child, teenager, or adult reconnect with their true, pure heart.
I know this because someone believed in me and helped me reconnect with my heart. That belief was enough to change my life. I hope the next time you see someone struggling, you’ll remember this story and be willing to be there for them, with compassion and understanding.
Written By Joe Horvat
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